Wish Me Luck...

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Kuejena's avatar
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.:Warning, thar be foul language ahead. Grow up or go home:.

Tomorrow I'm going on a trip with the rest of my family to some science museum and I'm really nervous about it. For those of you that don't know, I have been fighting with my family for months now, to the point where both my parents have threatened to kick me out. Granted, that threat happened many months back, but the tension never left. I'm always a step away from pissing them off. 

See, my parents are super fucking conventional and my dad has an explosive temper. I try to avoid talking about anything gay or liberal in general, but the smallest things could set them off. For example, one day I mentioned how a friend of mine was born with a tail and my mom got very touchy and refused to believe humans had tails while my dad glared at me like I just spouted the purest form of heresy (because to them, I might as well be saying evolution is a thing, which they are very against). That's just one small smudge of an instance. I could go on and on about the small things my parents will rage at me for and there is no way I can predict it. One time I was making a joke about the word "Social Justice Warrior" and I was teasing about how that's the worst insult anyone has ever come up with since it sounds more like a compliment, and without hearing what I had to say he was all like "Did you just say "Social Justice" under my roof?" He also does this thing where his tongue pokes the inside of his cheek when he's REALLY ticked and yeah he was doing it right then. 
He does this a lot. Small things. He got angry because I was talking about kpop and he just bashed my music. There's just... a lot of instances ok. Just a lot of them, I have an archive. Worst part is that they get VERY sensitive when I'm around my sisters because they are convinced I'm trying to push my "gay agenda" on them, along with God knows what else. They don't like me being around my sisters. My sisters want to hang out with me because my parents are putting a lot of pressure on them not to turn out like me. Fuck's sake, they got my sisters PURITY RINGS for their birthday. If you have a purity ring, that's chill, idgaf. But they had no choice. They just popped out these rings and made them sign this paper bascially saying they would be virgins until marriage and always worship god and be clean and work hard and shit. Which kind of terrified me? 

So let me put this into perspective. I'm going to a SCIENCE museum with CREATIONIST CONVENTIONAL parents around my SISTERS. Now I like my sisters, but only when it's just us. Because we can actually be honest about what's going on and not lie about fucking everything. And see, you're probably wondering, "Well that's easy Kue, why don't you just stay quiet?" WELL. First thing you'll find out about me is that I talk. I'm not good at not talking. Trust me, I try all the time, but it doesn't work. And I'm going to be out in public with my touchy parents next to my sisters who aren't happy they have to stay next to them the entire time. I'll probably walk off on my own for the most part. 

I do have the option of staying home but.. I'm in this same bedroom every day with nothing but my ever self-loathing thoughts. Not sure if anyone's noticed, but I'm not nice to myself, and being alone can seriously fuck with your sanity. So what's that saying? Stuck between a rock and a hard place? Yeah, that's what this is. I can either choose between doing the same thing I do everyday which is already on the dim and distressing side, or take a chance and go out and do shit. So I chose to take a risk and I'm hella nervous about it. 

Funny enough, the biggest thing I'm worried about is not my parents' wrath (though it's a close second). I'm worried that, amidst that giant crowd of people I don't know with shit I don't care about, I might end up getting this sense of crushing loneliness and break down in public. I'd rather not do that? Also I have crowd anxiety in general, ESPECIALLY under stressful situations so ya know. FUN TIMES AHEAD. And yeah, I hope I'm wrong about all of this. I hope I have a great fucking time, but forgive me if I'm not being optimistic. At least I can look forward to Markiplier's pink hair tomorrow, if he did get it done today. 

Also, I don't like posting journals about myself and my low self esteem as I sound like a whiny bitch, but I just spent the last hour or so trying to get Fallout 3 to work and it won't because of incompatibilities and shit and I was really looking forward to that DID I MENTION I WENT TO CHURCH TODAY BTW? I'm not happy Bob. Not happy.

So I'll go ahead and post this before I change my mind #YOLO #FUCKINGSWEGG
© 2015 - 2024 Kuejena
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Pepper-Head's avatar
:hug: I'll be on invisible on Skype today if you want to give me a poke. I'll try to look out for it since I'll be running around packing.